"You just had to learn it for yourself."
We did it! We raised a small human into an adult! She is beautiful, capable, determined, stubborn, and absolutely ENOUGH!! She is in the third week of her freshman year of college and she is killing it. She is 45 minutes into a new job that started this morning and I couldn't be more proud of her for taking steps into the unknown and making things happen.
A few weeks ago we moved her into her apartment. Towards the end of her senior year of high school, we offered to her that she could live at home for and commute to her university to save some money, OR she could choose to move out, but we wouldn't be paying for it. There wasn't a question in her mind. She was moving OUT! She took extra hours at the job she had at the time and nearly drained her savings from the summer when she paid for the entire year of housing in one chunk, again to save money by getting the discount for the single payment. It seemed that she stood a little taller that day.
Fast forward to moving day. She had previously moved much of her stuff on her own, but on this particular day, she needed help from her dad and brothers to carry in a few heavy items. The front door is adjacent to a flight of stairs, and in the 110 degree weather, we were drenched with sweat. From her shared bedroom down the hall from the entry, I heard a convo that drew my palm to the forehead in a head slap. In her typical oldest child tone, she said words that have previously only come from my mouth, or her dad's, but never hers until now. "Guys! Shut the door, the A/C is on!" I know that moving out promotes independence and growth, but no one told me the timeline! No one told me that personal ownership yields fruits in days!! Suddenly, this girl was operating from a mind space of saving, opportunity costs, and tradeoffs instead of a self-absorbed, instant satisfaction mentality. What a delight to behold!
My husband and I couldn't believe it. We laughed as it gave us hope for the future! My husband replied to her, "Hey, why didn't you move out four years ago?" LOL!! Thankfully, this was not the only giant stride in her independence. Since then, discussion topics of random FaceTime calls have ranged from time management strategies, healthy meal planning, how to get her roomies to do their dishes, deleting "Snap" because it is distracting, and the fascinating topics presented in her psychology class. With the exception of psychology, none of these topics are things that I didn't try to present a foundation for while she was in our home. But, until now, she has never needed to apply them as she does now.
How often do we rob children from learning lessons, just because it is easier to pacify them by solving their problems for them? Allowing choices AND the consequences of those choices have a giant payoff.
According to a Megyn Kelly's report of an article written by an anonymous writer who is a member of the WeAreTeachers community, "lawnmower parents" are the new "helicopter parents." "Lawnmower parents go to whatever lengths necessary to prevent their child from having to face adversity, struggle or failure. Instead of preparing children for challenges, they mow obstacles down so kids won’t experience them in the first place."
I will give us all the benefit of the doubt. Parents operate with the best of intentions. HOWEVER, by not allowing children to experience defeat, failure, pain, and consequence of choices, we are robbing them of the critical steps necessary to develop coping skills and strategies for dealing with life's challenges, that will inevitably come in their adulthood. CHILDHOOD is the time for them to learn that sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand. They have the solutions inside THEMSELVES. They don't need to call mom or dad to the rescue. Just like Dorthy, the ability to get where we are wanting to go is within us!
So, while I celebrate the win of standing back and watching my college daughter fight as she blazes her own trail, I can't help but think of how powerful it is for her and my boys, to always put the weight of life back on them. Forgotten homework? Don't call me! No clothes for P.E.? Well, I hope they don't doc you too many points. The pain of those experiences is the very fuel that ignites change. They are opportunities to take ownership and redirect to prevent repeated experiences. If "mom" comes to the rescue, why would they try harder to remember the homework or clothes next time? THEY are their own solution.
Was it hard to watch my daughter fret all summer over whether or not she could afford her car payment AND have enough for her housing bill? Honestly, it felt like I was torturing her and myself!! I have plenty of money to pay for her car, her housing, and whatever else she needs, but that's not the point. The self-confidence and grit that has resulted from her doing it on her own is beyond a price tag! How else could she learn these lessons if I came swooping in and said, "Don't worry, Honey, I will take care of your housing costs, and by the way, I know it is really a tall order for you to get your healthy and capable body to work each day, so I will buy you a car just so you can be comfortable!" Not going to happen! I fight the instinct to "helicopter" and "lawn mow" often, but as an educator who is married to a school administrator/educator, I have witnessed the damage that parents do by not allowing their children to strengthen their choice/consequence muscles. Devastating.
Kids can do it. We have to let them. Allow them to fail, then help them process and recover on the back side instead of eliminating the growth experience. Life's resistance is exactly what children need to find it in themselves to push through hard times.
I agree, there is no place like home, but I also agree with the whole outcome of the entire story of Oz. It is what I remind myself and my girl on a regular basis, "You've always had the power, my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself."
